The Muskaducks Weigh the Evidence

We have seen the carnage of battle many times, and narrowly escaped death ourselves more than once back when we were mortal Musketeers. 

But when Art pulled out that same little device he had used to capture our present-day duck images, poked at it a few times, and used it to show us that picture of a bluebird attacked and killed by an English sparrow, we were aghast.

“I’m thinking there may be a case here for honorable retribution,” said Athos.

Art said, “I’m afraid every bluebird site I visit recommends… a violent resolution to the English sparrow problem. They recommend getting a spring-loaded Van Ert trap that fits inside the house, and…”

“What about relocating them?” interrupted compassionate Aramis.

“The bluebird society website and all the other sites I looked up say not to, because then the evil sparrows will just do their dastardly deeds somewhere else.”

“I see,” said Aramis, clearly getting uncomfortable with where this was going. “So did you happen to look up any English Sparrow society web pages that might tell things from the sparrows’ point of view?”

“Well, I found on an Audobon Society site that they really don’t have any supporters at all any more on this side of the Atlantic.”

“What do you mean by ‘any more’?” asked Aramis.

“In the 1850’s a wave of immigrants in New York kinda missed these little birds they had been accustomed to in their native England. And they thought that introducing them to New York’s Central Park would help solve a problem -- an overabundance of green inch-worms . But it was a big mistake. Within 25 years (a really short time for immortals like you) English sparrows spread across the whole United States, and they have continued to rise to dominance as the population of native American songbirds has declined because of their ruthlessness.”

Athos, listening intently now, piped up, “Remind me to talk about the whole issue of immigration reform in a future blog post. You are going to set up a blog for us along with our Facebook and Twitter accounts, right Art?”

“Yes,” Art replied. “Because we’re running long today, I think this conversation will be in about the third post. But couldn’t immigration reform be rather controversial?”

“Are you kidding me? We’re talking about euthanasia in this post, aren’t we?!” quacked Athos.

“Relax, Art (can we call you Art?),” I said smiling. “Think about it. No topic is really too controversial for an unlikely trio of immortal Muskaducks like us to tackle, right?  Besides, nobody knows exactly where this park of ours is. And even if they did, what are they gonna do, kill us? We're immortal!”

“Touche,” said Art. “This could end up being an interesting vehicle.”

“Vehicle?” puzzled Aramis.

“Never mind. Can I continue my story?”

“Please do.”

“I knew the sweet lady who runs the little Just For the Birds shop was not likely to level with me on this controversial topic, so I went to a bigger chain store on I-45, Wild Birds Unlimited.”

“Do they sell those consarned duck decoys?” asked Aramis. “Because we’re immortal the hunters don’t bother us. But I’ve wasted countless days, years maybe, of my endless supply of time pursuing hot looking distant hens bobbing up and down on the pond, when they just turned out to be made of wood.”

“No, Aramis, just all kinds of supplies for bird watchers.”

Art whispered an aside in my ear (which is a trick to find), “Porthos, does he really learn that slowly? Reminds me of the male bluebird in our back yard who keeps banging his head on the Plexiglas front of the mealworm feeder instead of just going in and out of the holes on the sides.”

I just rolled my duck eyes and nodded.

“Anyway, the clerk showed me something called a ‘Magic Halo’ that can help keep sparrows away from your bluebird boxes.”

“I don’t have bluebird boxes,” said Aramis.

“Man, he really is dense, isn’t he? OK, any bluebird boxes. The ‘halo’ is really just a circular metal support mounted above the nest box, with weighted fishing line or hobby wire hanging down from it all around the box. Sparrows get freaked out by it and it can keep them from crossing the ‘barrier’.  But native birds fly right through it.”

“Oh, like a moat around a castle,” said Athos.

“Right, except that if a male sparrow fixates on the box and claims it before you get the halo up, then they can overcome their fear and go through anyway. And that’s what happened in our case, so the halo didn’t help.

“I must have cleaned out the beginnings of three messy English sparrow nests, and the determined male just kept dive bombing the bluebirds and rebuilding, time after time.”

“And you decided it was time for decisive action?” Athos asked.

“Not quite yet. I still wasn’t ready to take the advice in the websites, which was… you’re right, Athos… sparrow euthanasia.”

“What a sweet way to put it,” said Athos sarcastically. “So how are you supposed to snuff ‘ the buggers?”

“Athos!” quacked Aramis.

Art chuckled, which surprised the ducks, considering the gravity of the conversation.

“Sorry, you sounded like a well-known insurance commercial,” Art said.

“But that’s the trouble,” he went on. “The websites don’t give specifics, I think because they don’t want to offend bird lovers. Then I finally found a YouTube video showing how to use the Van Ert trap to catch a sparrow.

It ended with the guy just holding the sparrow and saying, ‘…and now that you have your bird, identify it to be sure it’s a male English sparrow.’  I wanted to say, ‘Yeah, fine… but then what?!’ ”

“What’s a you tube?” I asked.

“I’m sure he’ll tell us later, won’t you Art?” said Athos. “So how did the guy in the you tube ki… uh, euthanize the male sparrow?”

Art told us, and we advised him on what we thought he should do, but I need to wait and tell you that part tomorrow...

To continue... (click here)